Nine Months....

I've heard many people talk about how difficult the holidays were for them after they lost a loved one. In the months since Oliveah passed away, I've gotten all kinds of emails from people, some that I've never even met, encouraging us and giving their advice (unsolicited I might add;)). Some times the advice was quite helpful, and sometimes it was just awkward. But a lot of people told me how difficult their first year was with out their loved one- whether it was a parent, a sibling, a spouse, or even a pet.

Right now, We are smack dab in the middle of the holiday season. Today is the 9th (well actually its the 10th now...but anyways!). Its the 9 month anniversary of our Oliveah's passing. I didn't even realize it until my husband pointed it out. Its only super depressing when I think about how things would have been. And when I think about those things for any amount of time, you might as well just pass me a bottle of booze! (kind of kidding- I don't drink. But I get pretty depressed about everything).

Nine months. I feel like that's a major milestone. She's been away from us longer than she was with us, in my womb. And to think of what would have been...the milestones we are missing. Its a very upsetting thought. I miss her. I feel like enough time has passed that it shouldn't hurt this bad, but it does. I still go back and forth, feeling mad and sometimes feeling like I'm living in denial. Mostly I feel like I'm just trying to get by! I have responsibilities and a life to keep living. I have a daughter who I love more than anything, who needs me to be here, emotionally. Some days are super easy. Some days I just totally accept what our lives have become. I've become used to the thought that our family is still just the 3 of us. I question how to answer people I'm meeting when they ask me how many children I have. Do I answer it as if Oliveah never existed and say I have one daughter. Or do I say I have 2 daughters, but one of them passed away and cause a bunch of awkwardness. Its not like a miscarriage in that you haven't given 9 months to growing this child and pushing her out. She was a whole fully grown baby. All 7 pounds 6 ounces of her. I still, 9 months later, feel like I should wake up from this bizarre dream.

I still hate matching dresses. Its a slap in the face. I still can't listen to "Use Somebody' without getting teary eyed over the bridge that Emelie used to sing "Oliveah" instead of the actual lyrics. I get sad thinking about the clothing that is going unused that I bought for her ahead of time last year. I get sad when I see Emelie playing so nicely with her dolly, thinking what a wonderful big sister she would have been. I get sad thinking that people won't remember her. Like years from now, when we have other children, she'll be forgotten. People won't know that our family is not complete with out her here with us.

If I've learned anything these past 9 months, it is to love what you have while you have it. Never take for granted what and, more importantly, who God has blessed you with. Life is just sooo short and unpredictable.