Losing a child is something most parents will never have to deal with. For that I am thankful. The pain of losing a child is so great, immense. Unfathomable. It goes against the natural cycle of life. You're born, you grow, you get old, you die. Children are supposed to outlive their parents. Its unnatural to bury your child- or in our case, cremate.
I've never suffered a great loss due to death (ooooh the evil D word!! I hate saying it.). Or at least one that has impacted my life. I lost my grandmother several years ago, and yes, I was sad- but my life went pretty much back to normal. When I think about my grandmother, I remember good times. Playing games with her, watching Soaps with her, and the time she called my sister a "little sh**" for suspected cheating. Our Oliveah was born very sick. And instead of holding her right after she was born, she was whisked away from me, to be put on life support. I never even got to see her eyes open, hear her cry. She was with us for 6 days in the NICU. We had half the world praying for her. I was sure that she was going to be okay. I had a super healthy pregnancy all the way to 39 weeks, when she was born. I don't drink, smoke, I move if some one rudely lights up next to me (or within smelling distance), I took my prenatals faithfully, and I gained the recommended amount of weight during the pregnancy. I did it perfectly! But for some sucky reason, God had another plan.
I don't blame God....okay, well maybe I do- he is the one who gives life and takes it away... I guess I just don't get why he'd take my beautiful baby girl, and leave some idiots who- in all honesty- are never going to get their lives right! I just don't get it!
But its been four months now. I know one day it will get easier, but for now, I live in a super compartamentalized life. I put my Oliveah in a small box in my heart. I open it up frequently, but I try not to leave it open to think on throughout the day. I think that I'd be super depressed if I did that. I'd be thinking about all the things that she missed out on, and how extremely different our lives would be if she was here with us right now. She'd be four months old. Old enough to start cereal and vegetables. I think about all the clothes and things we bought for her, and how they are just sitting in a box, not being used. I don't want to get rid of them. I still have a huge bag of newborn diapers. I know one day, God will bless us with another baby. That baby will not take the place of our Oliveah, but it will bring us happiness and joy! But that won't happen for a long time!
I have to change the song when certain songs come on. We listened to the song "The Cave" by Mumford and Sons the whole ride to the hospital the day she was born. I called it my birthing song. I drew excitement and courage from that song. Now I can't listen to it with out thinking about the day she was born. I also have a really hard time listening to the song "Stronger" by Mandisa. We heard it on the radio the morning she died. I thought it was a totally hope provoking song. And it is. But I thought it was going to be more of a "were going to be coming to the NICU for a long time, this will make us a stronger family". I didn't know that it was going to be more like "Your baby is going to die today, its going to be a horrible experience, but someday, in a million years, you'll be stronger from it". I sure hope that day comes:)
