Piece of Cake

John and I have been hard at work baking cakes this week. Around Emelie's 3rd birthday, he started thinking a lot about cake decorating. He wanted to make her a big Tangled cake for the party. He and my sister in law worked so hard on that thing, only to have it start melting the day of the party. We ended up doing the cake before the food, just in time for the tower to start toppling over. It was funny- well in hind sight!

Isn't life just kind of like that sometimes? We place so much work into things and they don't always turn out the way we want them to. I think one of the biggest things we as human beings need to learn, is flexibility. The ability to bounce back. The ability to make a decision to keep going forward.

In going forward, we've kind of started a side project to help bring in a little extra income. It's no secret that we sacrifice a lot of things so I can stay home with Emelie. And it's also no secret that John doesn't want to become a "lifetimer" at his current job (although we are happy he has a job!!!) We hope that this could take off. It's been a really long time since I've allowed myself to dream big dreams. Probably because being a mother is the job I've always wanted- so I feel complete in that. But this new endeavor is something were doing together. I'm excited about it. We did two big orders this weekend (one large cake and 30 cupcakes) plus I made 48 cupcakes for our family Christmas party. I'm excited to see where this goes! It's good to dream again:)

A calm after the storm.... IF you've ever been in a really crazy storm, the kind where you're scared for you life, the moments after you realize everything is going to be okay, bring such a peace of mind. That's how I feel right now. Optimistic. Happy for another day.

The sun is shining- although its still only 20 degrees outside. The little birds (I don't know what kind they are, but they're little!) are jumping from branch to branch in the bushes outside my kitchen window. I've been doing something I love- baking. And getting ready for our family Christmas party. Its always a good time getting together with family. I'm so thankful that we have such a supportive family. I'm grateful that I have aunts who are truly wise, and cousins who always cheer me up. I love seeing the next generation of cousin running around just like my cousins and I used to. My hope is that one day, John and I will add even more little feet to that joyful sound of pattering feet! Being Optimistic:) As Martha says "It's a good thing".

Nine Months....

I've heard many people talk about how difficult the holidays were for them after they lost a loved one. In the months since Oliveah passed away, I've gotten all kinds of emails from people, some that I've never even met, encouraging us and giving their advice (unsolicited I might add;)). Some times the advice was quite helpful, and sometimes it was just awkward. But a lot of people told me how difficult their first year was with out their loved one- whether it was a parent, a sibling, a spouse, or even a pet.

Right now, We are smack dab in the middle of the holiday season. Today is the 9th (well actually its the 10th now...but anyways!). Its the 9 month anniversary of our Oliveah's passing. I didn't even realize it until my husband pointed it out. Its only super depressing when I think about how things would have been. And when I think about those things for any amount of time, you might as well just pass me a bottle of booze! (kind of kidding- I don't drink. But I get pretty depressed about everything).

Nine months. I feel like that's a major milestone. She's been away from us longer than she was with us, in my womb. And to think of what would have been...the milestones we are missing. Its a very upsetting thought. I miss her. I feel like enough time has passed that it shouldn't hurt this bad, but it does. I still go back and forth, feeling mad and sometimes feeling like I'm living in denial. Mostly I feel like I'm just trying to get by! I have responsibilities and a life to keep living. I have a daughter who I love more than anything, who needs me to be here, emotionally. Some days are super easy. Some days I just totally accept what our lives have become. I've become used to the thought that our family is still just the 3 of us. I question how to answer people I'm meeting when they ask me how many children I have. Do I answer it as if Oliveah never existed and say I have one daughter. Or do I say I have 2 daughters, but one of them passed away and cause a bunch of awkwardness. Its not like a miscarriage in that you haven't given 9 months to growing this child and pushing her out. She was a whole fully grown baby. All 7 pounds 6 ounces of her. I still, 9 months later, feel like I should wake up from this bizarre dream.

I still hate matching dresses. Its a slap in the face. I still can't listen to "Use Somebody' without getting teary eyed over the bridge that Emelie used to sing "Oliveah" instead of the actual lyrics. I get sad thinking about the clothing that is going unused that I bought for her ahead of time last year. I get sad when I see Emelie playing so nicely with her dolly, thinking what a wonderful big sister she would have been. I get sad thinking that people won't remember her. Like years from now, when we have other children, she'll be forgotten. People won't know that our family is not complete with out her here with us.

If I've learned anything these past 9 months, it is to love what you have while you have it. Never take for granted what and, more importantly, who God has blessed you with. Life is just sooo short and unpredictable.