Eight Months....

It's been 8 whole months since our beautiful angel baby was born. Not a day passes that she isn't still the first thing in my mind, but I have learned to not let my thoughts linger on the fact that she's not with us. Last month was Infant Loss Remembrance month. It was a long month. But we made it though. I can honestly say that my heart is starting to heal. I'm starting to get on with my life, but there is still no shortage of shed tears. I still have no answers to the "why" questions. There is still fear that any future pregnancy could end the same way.
Recently a very close friend suffered an ectopic pregnancy. It was a definite reminder of how blessed I am. We were talking about how going through this tough stuff makes us realize how blessed we truly are to have the children we have. We hug them a little closer and give extra kisses to our children. I try to spend extra time each day playing with Emelie and reading to her. I spend a little more time fixing healthy meals for her, so she grows strong and healthy.
After 8 months, I've come to be truly grateful of who I have in my life. BUT I still don't like hearing people trying to empathize with me, like they've been in my shoes (unless you did lose a child... then go ahead!!!! Spread your wealth of understanding and knowledge!). I can't stand the super cheery people who try to make you see the brighter side of things. And losing your sister is not the same as losing your child! Its a completely different thing (although I do believe it would be harder in someways- like the loss of a companion, or wanting to tell your best friend something but remembering they aren't there anymore). Its hard going to events where people I know and love are at, because the topic of the death of my child comes up, and sometimes when I start talking about her- I can't stop! Then I feel like I've totally taken over a conversation with a pretty gloomy topic!

But I do feel I am at a better spot today, at 8 months, then I was a few months ago. Life is a little brighter. I try to not think of the what-could-have-beens, and thinking about the what will be's. The upcoming holidays will be wonderful. I will embrace my family and be thankful for what I have!